• Tag Archives Adult Jokes
  • A Man and The Three worst Chinese torture tests

    A man is out in the Chinese wilderness and he’s hopelessly lost. It’s been nearly three weeks since he’s eaten anything besides what he could forage and he’s been reduced to sleeping in caves and under trees. 

    One afternoon he comes upon an old mansion in the woods. It has vines covering most of it and the man can’t see any other buildings in the area. However, he sees smoke coming out of the chimney implying someone is home. 

    He knocks on the door and an old man answers, with a beard almost down to the ground. The old man squints his eyes and says “What do you want?” 

    The man says “I’ve been lost for the past three weeks and haven’t had a decent meal or sleep since that time. I would be most gracious if I could have a meal and sleep in your house for tonight” 

    The old Chinese man says “I’ll let you come in on one condition: You cannot mess around with my grandaughter” 

    The man, exhausted and hungry readily agrees, saying “I promise I won’t cause you any trouble. I’ll be on my way tommorrow morning” 

    The old Chinese man counters “Ok, but if I do catch you then I’ll give you the three worst chinese torture tests ever known to man.” 

    “Ok, Ok” the man said as he entered the old house. Besides, he thought to himself, what kind of woman would live out in the wilderness all her life? 

    Well, that night, when the man came down to eat (after showering), he saw how beautiful the grandaughter was. She was an absolute pearl, and while he had only been lost three weeks, it had been many,many months without companionship. And the girl had only seen the occasional monk besides her grandfather and well, they both couldn’t keep their eyes off each other throughout the meal. 

    That night, the man snuck into the girls’ bedroom and they had quite a time, but had kept the noise down to a minimum. The man crept back to his room later that night thinking to himself, “Any three torture tests would be worth it after that experience.” 

    Well, the next morning the man awoke to a heavy weight on his chest. He opened his eyes and there was this huge rock on his chest. On the rock was a sign saying “1st Chinese torture test: 100 lb rock on your chest”

    “What a lame torture test” the man thought to himself as he got up and walked over to the window. He opened the shutter and threw the rock out. On the backside of the rock is another sign saying “2nd worst Chinese torture test: Rock tied to right testicle”

    The man, seeing the rock was too far out the window to be grabbed, jumps out the window after the rock. Outside the window is a third sign saying “3rd worst Chinese torture test: Left testicle tied to bedpost”.

      

  • The Man At The Super Market.

    A man walked into a supermarket with his zipper down. A lady cashier walked up to him and said, “Your barracks door is open.” Not a phrase that men normally use, he went on his way looking a bit puzzled.

    When he was about done shopping, a man came up and said, “Your fly is open.” He zipped up and finished his shopping.

    At the checkout, he intentionally got in the line where the lady was that told him about his “barracks door.” He was planning to have a little fun with her so when he reached the counter he said, “When you saw my barracks door open did you see a soldier in there standing at attention?”

    The lady (naturally smarter than the man) thought for a moment and said,

    “No, no I didn’t. All I saw was a disabled veteran sitting on two old duffel bags headed home for retirement.”

     


  • An Elderly Couple Having a “Hard” Discussion

    An elderly couple, Ray and Bessie, are “Seniors” in Texas. Ray always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots.                                                                    

    Seeing some on sale one day, he buys them, wears them home, walking proudly.                                                                

    He walks into the house and says to his wife, “notice anything  different about me?”                                                                

    Bessie looks up from her knitting and gives him a once over look before saying, “Nope.”                                      

    Ray storms off into the bathroom, undresses, and walks back into the room completely naked except for the boots.                                                            

    Again, he asks, a little louder this time, “Notice anything different now?”      

    Bessie sighs, folds her knitting across her lap and says, “Ray, what’s different? It’s hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday and it’ll be hanging down again tomorrow.”                     

    Furious, Ray yells, “DO YOU KNOW WHY IT IS HANGING DOWN, BESSIE? IT’S HANGING DOWN BECAUSE IT’S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!!!!”                    

    To which Bessie replies with a cat-like grin, “Shoulda bought a hat, Ray. Ya shoulda bought a “hat”.